SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with...
"a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this ####..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is
all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can
be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You
can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your
urinal.. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just
too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same
work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never
stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle
your feet.. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day
vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit
for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can
still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You
almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your
clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for
years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for
all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails
with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
_______________________________________________________________________
Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the
slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement
a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on
early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be
considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed
under the SCREW program
(Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as
many times as Management
deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get
AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as
much SH!T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SH!T it
gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive
enough SH!T, please bring this to the attention of your
Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SH!T
you can handle.
Sincerely,
Management
P..S. Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of
electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market
conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
_________________________________________________________________________
Tools
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that t smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE BUFFING WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, ''What the...??''
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut perfectly good sheet stock into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, nowadays the hammer is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, CDs and DVDs, liquids in
plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while wearing them.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the
night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,
'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no
response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and
said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take
us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I
really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened
fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the
younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in
a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes,
straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was
standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me!
How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess
with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
---------------------------------------------
Snipped from a forum but originally came from here :
http://www.vtwinmama.com/demonic_squirrel_riding_story.htm
Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer
data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate
decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The
consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for
both groups too.
Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while
riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being “behind the power
curve”. It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider
recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a
meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to
catch up.
Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle… at least
if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the
machine.
I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found
myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem,
I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that
decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it
happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not
paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until
it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that
I was not even aware was there!
Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness…all within seconds. I was
behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.
I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big
residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I
opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding
through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that
“edge” so frequently required when riding.
Little did I suspect…
As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a
stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run
across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there
was no time to brake or avoid it—it was that close.
I hate to run over animals…and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel
should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs
and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His
mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the
scream was squirrel for, “Banzai!” or maybe, “Die you gravy-sucking,
heathen scum!” as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and
impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of
his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he
was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves,
and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some
damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and
leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street…and in the fight
of his life with a squirrel. And losing.
I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I
flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I
recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have.
The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his
business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the
throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on
my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also
managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now
I could not reach him.
I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having
one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a
healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle
of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and
she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in…well…I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly
squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly
accelerating down a quiet residential street…on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel
on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and
try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices,
but I really did not want to crash into somebody’s tree, house, or parked car. Also,
I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle…my brain was just simply
overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the
massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this
very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around
my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he
began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It
seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.
The rpm’s on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment)
and her front end started to drop.
Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very
ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on
one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out his mostly closed
full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand…I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my
helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked…sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet
residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt
flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one
wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live
squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel
to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke
at the stop sign at a busy cross street.
I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really.
But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned
about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they
had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car.
The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police
cruiser.
So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to “let the professionals
handle it” anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the
squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces
of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the
finger…
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car…
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left
the neighborhood.
As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and
inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I’ll take my
chances with the freeway. Every time.
And I’ll buy myself a new pair of gloves.
----------------------------------------------
Bar Stool Economics
Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If
they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until
one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said,
'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just
$80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men
were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20
windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from
everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to
drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the
same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for
free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,'
but he got $10!'
'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too.
It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got' 'That's true!!' shouted the seventh
man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The
system exploits the poor!'
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers
without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important.
They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system
works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax
them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In
fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FACTS TO PONDER:
Doctors
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(Calculation) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171 Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. (Calculation)
The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188
(Statistics courtesy of FBI.)
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
'Guns don't kill people like doctors do.'
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Women in a hot air balloon
--------------------------------------
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a
man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a
friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon,
approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31
degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled ed and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that
you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Radio Shack (Their motto: "You have questions, we have blank stares--want to buy a
cell phone?")
Her 4th Wedding
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk
that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color
are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way,
but gowns of that nature is considered more appropriate for brides who are being married
the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps
ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I
can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite
all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking
into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our
way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each
other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk?
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years,
he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing
ever happened."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light
on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he
shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the
voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confes sed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn
you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed . 'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party .
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb
the
corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so
rich
that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his
birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy.
He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a
pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the
majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a
brand new
jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice
and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from
the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and
he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a
top of
the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
